Breaking the Silence: How to Talk to Children About Alcoholism

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Right now, over 7.5 million children in the United States live with a parent who has an alcohol use disorder. Sadly, even though over 10% of families deal with alcoholism, it isn’t discussed much. The lack of dialogue around alcoholism within an alcoholic family can often make it even harder to deal with. Though it’s tempting to shield children from difficult subjects, the reality is that they usually benefit from open discussions. Learning how to talk to your children about alcoholism can help your entire family environment find ways to heal.

Do Alcoholic Parents Actually Affect Children?

Many parents with alcoholism try to tell themselves that their condition does not have an impact on their children. Unfortunately, this isn’t quite true. Alcoholism is a very problematic disease that can affect everyone in a family. Children growing up in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic parent may experience significant challenges. No matter the child’s age and regardless of whether they live with the parent, alcoholism can hurt them.

In some unfortunate cases, alcoholism can drastically harm children. Some may be exposed to direct abuse while others may be neglected. When a parent is deep in the throes of alcoholism, it’s very hard for them to manage everyday responsibilities like feeding their children and providing a safe home. This often forces children into a caregiver role, which can take a toll on their well-being and development. Sadly, it’s fairly common for Child Protective Services to get involved in cases of severely alcoholic parents.

Even if a parent is never drunk around their children and works hard to care for them, alcoholism can still affect them. Children are extremely perceptive and can tell when something is wrong. They end up dealing with a lot of stress due to having an unwell parent, and many do not get the stable upbringing they need. Separation anxiety, difficulty regulating emotions, isolation, control issues, and depression are all quite common. These children often struggle with low self-esteem, codependency, and difficulty developing a strong sense of self.

Research shows that long after they are adults, adult children of alcoholics (acoa) face an increased risk of mental health problems and exhibit signs of unresolved trauma. These challenges may manifest as posttraumatic stress disorder, approval-seeking, perfectionism, and difficulty recognizing their own needs.

Talking to Kids About Alcoholism

Having an open, honest conversation with your children is important, but it’s often easier said than done. Here are some things that can help you guide this discussion in a productive manner.

Have an Age-Appropriate Discussion

Of course, one of the most important things is tailoring a conversation to the child’s age level and mental capabilities. For very young children under five, avoid confusing them with medical terminology and focus on the fact that the parent is unwell and is working to get better. For children between the ages of five and 13, it’s fine to go into some detail but keep your focus on safety and reassurance. Teens often appreciate more honesty and clarity, and giving them extra information will help them feel like they aren’t being condescend to.

Focus on Healthcare Instead of Morality

When explaining alcoholism, it’s important to emphasize that it’s a medical condition. This allows children to recognize their parent is alcoholic because they’re unwell. Avoid suggesting that alcoholism has anything to do with the parent’s willpower, self-control, level of devotion to their children, or other personality traits.

Emphasize That It’s Not the Child’s Responsibility

Though many parents assume it goes without saying, children can still benefit from hearing that their parent’s alcoholism is not their fault. Reassure the child that they are in no way responsible for managing their parent’s behavior. Try to encourage them to avoid feeling like they need to monitor their parent’s drinking or help their parent stay sober.

Don’t Try to Keep it a Secret

Though alcoholism can feel incredibly personal, it puts an additional burden on a child if they are told that they cannot talk about their parent’s alcoholism. When having discussions about the problem, parents need to let their children know they can talk to others if they need additional support.

Highlight Themes of Love and Safety

Talking about alcoholism can be a grim topic, but try to create a conversation that still gives your child the reassurance they need. Explain steps you’ve taken to seek help, and discuss ways to keep their home life as stable as possible. Make sure you let them know that they are loved and always will be no matter what turmoil the family goes through.

Tips for Helping Children Manage Their Feelings

Discussions about alcoholism are more than just a way to inform your children. They’re also a valuable way of exploring and processing emotions. The most effective conversations about alcoholism often give children plenty of space to talk about their feelings. Here are some things to keep in mind as you have these discussions:

• Give your child the tools to understand their feelings. Younger children might appreciate feelings charts with faces while older ones might enjoy more complex discussions about their emotions.
• If your child has a favorite TV show or book, ask whether they can identify with certain feelings characters are going through.
• Listen to your child’s discussion of their feelings without taking it personally. Avoid criticizing their emotions or punishing them for their thoughts.
• Validate your child by acknowledging their feelings. For example, if they say, “I feel scared when my parent is drunk,” try telling them, “I agree, it can be very scary to see a drunken adult.”
• Discuss healthy ways for processing emotions and explain the downside of problematic coping methods like screaming or hitting others.

Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Unfortunately, children of alcoholics have much higher rates of alcoholism. This tends to happen due to both the hereditary component of alcoholism and the fact that some children may fall into behavioral patterns modeled by their parents. Therefore, if a parent is an alcoholic, it’s a good idea to be proactive and take steps to keep a child safe.

Talk About the Risks

Especially if your child is older, it can be useful to have frank discussions with them about alcoholism. There’s no need to try to scare a child or suggest that alcoholism is inevitable, but like any other inherited health condition, it’s wise to ensure they’re aware of their own risks. This can help them make smarter decisions and avoid unhealthy alcohol use in the future.

Encourage Healthy Habits

Empower your child by making sure that they are aware of what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like. Discuss the dangers of overconsumption and point out what safer drinking habits look like. It’s also a good idea to go ahead and help your child learn healthy ways of processing emotions and handling stress. A good foundation now can keep them from turning to alcohol in times of turmoil later.

Provide Supportive Role Models

Children with alcoholic parents also benefit from opportunities to see healthy habits modeled in front of them. While some parents with alcoholism can feel a little defensive at the idea, it’s important to keep in mind that extra support is always a good thing. Children can always benefit from active, involved role models, so you might want to consider seeking out organizations and groups that provide these opportunities.

Resources for Families Dealing With Alcoholism

If you or someone in your family is dealing with alcoholism, there are a lot of potential resources available. Many organizations and groups are focused on addressing familial health and helping families heal from alcoholism. Here are some options you may want to consider when finding ways to deal with these sensitive topics.

Alcoholics Anonymous Family Groups

Alcoholics Anonymous and similar 12-step programs are more than just a resource for alcoholics. They also provide a safe space for family members to vent, heal, and grieve. Check your local AA groups to see if they offer family support groups. You might also benefit from Alateen, an AA-affiliated group specifically for teens with alcoholic parents.

Family-Focused Therapy

Many substance use treatment centers offer family therapy where parents and children can have safe conversations about how addiction is affecting their relationship. Children will also benefit from having their own therapeutic sessions where they can discuss their feelings and find safe ways of dealing with their alcoholic parent.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, having a parent with alcoholism can add more challenges to a child’s life, but it doesn’t have to cause permanent damage. Families affected by alcohol addiction and substance use disorders can still take steps to ensure their children are safe, healthy, and happy. In addition to setting boundaries and creating space for children to process their feelings, families can also greatly benefit from substance abuse treatment and addiction recovery services.

At Live Free Recovery Services, we focus on helping people break the cycle of substance abuse and drug abuse. Our customized addiction treatment plans offer a variety of therapies and treatments to manage alcoholism and other forms of addiction. Depending on your needs, we provide everything from residential rehab to outpatient addiction programs. Contact us today to learn more about our services.

Reference section

• https://dmh.lacounty.gov/our-services/employment-education/education/alcohol-abuse-faq/family-history 
• https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/effects-on-children-of-alcoholic-parents 
• https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6876511/ 
• https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/alcohol-topics/alcohol-facts-and-statistics/consequences-families-united-states 
• https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/helping-kids-express-their-emotions