Being the grandparent of an alcoholic can be heartbreaking. Each time the phone rings, there’s likely a moment of panic, fearing it might bring news of the worst-case scenario. You want to do everything you can to save your grandchild, but at the same time, know that enabling them isn’t the way to help. It’s easy to feel helpless and hopeless, but gaining a better understanding of this challenging situation—including what you can do for yourself and them—can help you navigate it one step at a time.
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The Unique Challenges Faced by Grandparents of Alcoholics
The impact of an alcoholic’s actions stretches far beyond themselves. Alcohol abuse undoubtedly takes an emotional toll on grandparents, often creating a complex web of feelings that can be difficult to navigate.
As much as you love your grandchild, it may feel hard to be around them, especially if they’re in an advanced stage of alcohol addiction. However, when they’re not around, you wonder what they’re doing and if they’re safe. These concerns can be even more challenging if you’re also processing memories of an alcoholic parent or reflecting on the struggles of alcoholic grandparents within your family history.
You’re not any less of a wonderful grandparent for feeling conflicted. They’re your grandchild first and a person with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) second, but the two – at least for now – are deeply intertwined. It can be challenging to separate them, as this is not a black-and-white, cut-and-dry situation.
Supporting the Parents of an Alcoholic Grandchild
In addition to wanting to help your grandchild, you may also want to emotionally support their parent(s), depending on the situation and family dynamic. The parents may be trying to manage their child’s alcohol problem while contending with feelings of guilt, helplessness, or frustration.
The best thing you can do for the parents is to be there to listen without judgment. Supporting them through their struggles with their child’s alcohol-related issues can make them feel less alone. However, before offering advice, ask if they want it first rather than simply giving it. You undoubtedly have wonderful, caring intentions, but unsolicited advice may not always be received well, especially in such emotionally charged situations.
When offering advice, do so gently and rationally rather than critically. Find a balance between being honest and compassionate. For instance, consider taking a burden off their shoulders by offering to research detox programs or other treatment options for your grandchild. Additionally, provide them with resources they can use themselves, such as the names and locations of support groups for parents dealing with an alcoholic child, or helplines to call for more information.
Setting Realistic Expectations
Prepare yourself for the possibility that the parents may not immediately accept your advice or information. No parent wants to see their child struggling with alcohol use, and denial can be a natural defense mechanism in such situations. The harsh truth is that all you can do is offer your support and guidance. You cannot make someone understand your perspective or take action if they’re not ready to listen.
By focusing on being a source of empathy, understanding, and information, you can provide invaluable support to both your grandchild and their parents as they navigate the difficult path of addressing alcohol use disorder.
How Grandparents Can Support Their Alcoholic Grandchild
One thing that’s important to know is that there’s a way to support your grandchild while they’re going through a tough time without enabling them. It’s a fine line that many people struggle with, especially when there’s so much love there. Support may also involve recognizing and addressing any codependent tendencies that could unintentionally enable harmful behaviors.
If you’re reading this, you’ve already taken two important steps. The first is that you’ve acknowledged your grandchild has a drinking problem, which in itself is a huge accomplishment, and the second is that you’re seeking to learn more about the effects of alcoholism and what you can do to help your grandchild. For many grandparents, saying the phrase ‘My grandchild is an alcoholic’ can be difficult. However, doing so requires brutal honesty with yourself, acknowledging the issue, and facing the situation head-on to make the best decisions for yourself, your grandchild, and your relationship.
It’s also crucial to understand that alcohol use often starts at an early age, making its long-term impact more profound. Addiction doesn’t just affect the individual but creates ripples throughout the family, leading to emotional challenges and even health problems for everyone involved. Joining a family group, such as Al-Anon, can provide valuable support and coping strategies as you navigate these challenges.
It will be a tough road, but it’s vital to keep in mind that there’s only so much you can do. The rest is up to your grandchild. You can’t force someone to get help as much as you love them and know they need it.
How to Approach the Conversation
• Plan Your Approach: Never go into a conversation with them about their drinking problem without some type of plan. You don’t need to rehearse a speech, but having a clear idea of what to say and how to approach the conversation is essential.
• Choose the Right Time: Avoid bringing it up when they’re upset, angry, or in the process of drinking. Instead, pick a private, calm moment where both of you can speak face to face.
• Use “I” Statements: Forgo “you” statements, such as “You’re ruining your family,” which can come across as accusatory. Instead, use “I” language to express your feelings, such as “I feel worried about your health and want to support you.”
• Be Brief and Loving: Avoid being long-winded. Allow them to set the tone and duration of the conversation. Keep your expression of feelings concise and focus on affirming your love for them. Let them know you treasure them and are ready to help them through the recovery process.
Personal Support and Seeking Resources
Don’t downplay your experience during this situation. Yes, your grandchild is going through a tough time and battling a complex disease, but you’re a witness to it. That will take its toll on anyone.
Make sure you’re giving yourself grace and kindness, doing things for yourself, and setting boundaries. For example, as difficult as it is, let your grandchild know that the only time they can be in your house is when they’re sober. You need to make decisions that are right for you and your well-being. Consider suggesting addiction treatment options to your grandchild, such as inpatient or outpatient programs, which can provide the support and structure they need to recover.
Do little things for yourself that you love and that can help decrease your stress levels, such as taking road trips, playing with your pets, volunteering, and getting massages. Taking care of your mental and emotional health is essential, especially when supporting a loved one in recovery.
Two great things you can do for yourself are seek counseling from a mental health professional and join a support group for family members who have loved ones battling addiction. These groups often include grandparents, parents, and adult children who understand the challenges you’re facing. It can be helpful to be around and converse with others who are in a similar situation.
Keep telling yourself that you can only do for your grandchild as much as they’re willing to let you. They have to make the ultimate decision not just to admit they have a problem and want help but also to actually seek help and stick with it. Talking to them and giving them a list of resources for addiction treatment, including inpatient or outpatient programs, is a significant way to show you care. While you’re at it, show yourself self-love by finding your own resources that can help you through this trying time.
Published on: 2024-12-05
Updated on: 2024-12-19