Try This: Write a love note to yourself. Ask someone who lives with you to hide it in a place where you’ll find it someday.
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We’ve spent the last two posts trying to rein in the compulsion to control others (codependence), often masquerading as niceness. Now we’ll talk about giving to others as an important part of living free. Sound contradictory? It’s not, or it doesn’t have to be.
Take the speaker in the poem above. It sounds like she struggled with addiction and despair for much of her young life. She’s grateful for the kindness of the Taco Bell employees, who could help her without expecting anything in return or with the hope of “fixing” her.
How did they help her?
1) By not judging her. It was easy for them not to judge her because they didn’t know her and didn’t feel obligated to help her live her life better.
2) By listening to her. It was easy for them to listen, because they listened without worry about what would be asked or expected of them.
3) By providing physical assistance with her car. Presumably, they did these things without any emotional attachment–just a sense of friendliness. Maybe even a sense of fun, something to break the tedium of their shift.
In a way, this poem outlines the ideal kind of giving–giving that provides long-term gratitude in the recipient and doesn’t hurt the giver.
In addiction recovery, you’re often encouraged to “give back.” You’re encouraged to help others who are struggling with addiction by attending AA meetings, helping with meeting set up and break down, contributing financially to the organization, and eventually becoming a sponsor. You’re encouraged to provide community service in other ways as well, the idea being that giving will build self-esteem and help prevent relapse. An underlying message might be that giving back helps make up for the selfishness of addiction.
Are these good reasons to give? Are they motivated by joy or guilt? Will it be easy for a person in recovery to sustain this type of giving over time?
The answers to these questions depend on the individual, their particular circumstances, how they’ve been incentivized to give, and by the person or organization encouraging the giving.
Let’s look at some ways to make giving a part of your life without letting it become a burden or a path to codependence.
What state of mind is good for generosity? A state of detachment, abundance, and joy.
Give with detachment. This means that you’re giving without an emotional stake in the gift or the way the recipient uses the gift. In other words, you’re not using your service as a way to control outcomes. You probably know the kind of person who is very generous with their time or money but also very specific about how it should be spent. When it isn’t spent “correctly,” the giver can become angry or resentful.
Give from a sense of abundance. Imagine that you are an empty cup. You do the work required to fill your cup (doing your best to meet your own financial, emotional, and physical needs). When you feel a sense of overflowing abundance, like you have everything you need and more, that’s a good time to give.
Now, note that everyone’s sense of abundance is different. Some people have very little but still feel blessed–and they trust that whatever they give will be returned as needed. These people live in a state of abundance even though they might seem poor in material goods.
Other people need a lot more to feel like they are safe. They might have a lot of fear about lacking what they need when they need it. They will have a hard time giving, even if they seem to have a lot of material goods.
Both of these states of being are okay. Don’t compare yourself to others when it comes to how much you feel safe in giving away. We all have experiences that shape our feelings of abundance or lack. So don’t force yourself to give when it feels unsafe to do so. That will just lead to more fear and resentment.
Give anonymously, when possible. This ensures that you’re giving because you want to give and not because you’re trying to earn forgiveness or to control a situation or person.
Give to strangers. As in the Taco Bell poem above, giving to strangers greatly lessens your chance of becoming embroiled in codependent interactions and motivations.
In summary, we’ll list the “good” and “bad” reasons to give:
The Good Reasons:
- Giving reminds us that we are all in this world together, and that helping each other is helping ourselves.
- Giving reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering.
- Giving helps put things in perspective. It may change our idea of what matters, and what is required to feel a sense of abundance and freedom.
The Bad Reasons:
- Guilt or shame
- To avoid your own problems/responsibilities
- To feel admired
- To control an outcome or person
- To confirm your self-worth
You can live free when you learn how to fill your own cup, how to trust that you will be provided for, and how to take joy in giving to others from an overflow of goodness in your own life.