Try This: Use masking tape, chalk, or string to create a circle on the floor. Stand or sit inside of it for a few minutes. Feel centered.
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Hello there! Welcome to this post about niceness!
Isn’t it nice to be nice? It’s nice to make people feel good. It’s nice to notice when someone is feeling upset and to try to help them feel better. It’s nice to be sensitive to the mood in a room and adjust your actions accordingly. It’s nice to give up your own comfort to help someone else feel comfortable.
Probably most of us (not just women) can think of a time when we have worried about someone else or tiptoed around a friend, family member, or coworker in order to avoid upsetting them. Many of us (especially women) have been trained by our parents and culture to be nice, to be accommodating, to empathize with others.
So while Dr. Estes’s words are from a book written for and about women, they apply to anyone who lives in bondage to a drive to be “good,” to please others, to make sure no one gets upset. This behavior can be true of those who live with a person who is addicted to substances–and it can also be true of someone in addiction recovery who is trying too hard to be what everyone around them wants them to be.
Why are we cautioning against too much niceness? Because if you’re not careful, niceness has a price. What’s the price? Rage. That rage can turn outward, destroying and dismantling relationships, or it can turn inward, causing mental and physical illness.
Hold on, you’re thinking. My grandmother was the nicest person in the world! She wouldn’t have hurt a fly! Maybe not. But she probably imagined that fly’s violent death a thousand times over.
If you’re nice for any of these reasons, watch out:
- Because you should be nice. It’s the right thing to do.
- Because you don’t want anyone to be angry with you.
- Because you don’t want anyone to be angry with each other.
- Because you don’t want anyone to experience inconvenience, discomfort, or pain.
- Because it’s easier to give people what they want instead of figuring out what you want.
- Because you want any problems in a relationship to be the other person’s fault, not yours.
Think about your own niceness. How do you feel when someone doesn’t appreciate your niceness? How do you feel when someone criticizes you?
Another word for too much niceness is codependence. Codependent people are nice. They are also controlling. They are afraid of other people’s emotions and reactions, and so they do their best to keep others from having emotions and reactions.
If I’m nice enough, they won’t need to be upset with me. And if they are upset with me anyway, I WILL PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE. Except I won’t. I’ll punch myself in the face instead. Because I’m nicer than they are.
In this conversation between Marc Maron and Neal Brennan, they talk about codependency as being “addicted to people,” as in being so tied up in other people’s lives that you lose your own. Being addicted to other people means letting them have all the power. It means letting their feelings about you determine how you feel about yourself. It means being much more attuned to their emotions and reactions than you are to yours. It means believing that the power of your niceness can change or fix them.
While the original concept of codependency meant being emotionally enmeshed with a person who was dependent on substances, a person in recovery can also be codependent. In fact, this kind of codependency can fuel a relapse.
So how do you break this cycle of behavior and “live free” from niceness?
Great question. Here are some ideas.
- Get therapy. This will help you deal with the feelings that come up when you try to break your niceness habit: low self-worth and fear of abandonment, for example.
- Become your own good friend. Spend time with yourself to learn about what you love, what you need, what makes you anxious or angry, what makes you feel safe.
- Remember that guilt is a manageable emotion. You don’t have to act on it.
- Remind yourself that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. Give others the gift of space to feel what they feel.
- If you’re too afraid to express your reactions or needs to someone, write them down in a journal.
- Write an affirmation for yourself and repeat it every day. Something like, “I am not nice. I am a rich, vibrant, multi-faceted human being who experiences the whole spectrum of emotions.” Or, “Today, I will remember that I am wholly myself, and from this sense of presence I will act with clarity.”
Be prepared for some pushback. Your friends, family, and coworkers have all gotten used to your niceness and might react with hurt or frustration if you start to behave differently. That’s okay. They’re allowed to have their reactions. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist if you need confirmation that you’re on the right track.
So…is giving of yourself to others always bad? Of course not. We’ll talk about giving and service in a later post, after you’ve had a chance to curb your niceness.