Try This: At the top of a blank piece of paper, write, “What do I need to know right now?” Then, write the answer to that question with your non-dominant hand.
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It’s hard to “live free” when you’re running around protecting everyone from themselves. That’s why we’re following the post about niceness and codependence with this post about enabling.
You’re a nice person. You want to help your loved one who is struggling with addiction or mental illness. What is the best way to help?
Let the person you love experience the consequences of their actions.
The end.
Just kidding. Sort of. Because even though the answer appears simple, it’s much harder to put into practice. Let’s explore some of the complications.
What are some ways we enable?
- We bankroll an adult child because they can’t seem to find a job that pays for everything they want to have
- We do more than our share of household work because other household members have trouble managing their time wisely
- We field multiple phone calls a day from a depressed, lonely parent
- We stop asking our partner for what we need because they’re always so stressed out
- We don’t express our emotions because we don’t want to upset anyone
Notice how none of the above examples involve substances? That’s because enabling can happen in any relationship dynamic, whether or not substances are involved. Enabling means letting the other person get away with behavior that damages our own financial, physical, or emotional stability–and keeps them stuck in unhealthy patterns.
When it comes to substance addiction or mental illness, we enable someone when we make it possible for them to comfortably continue in their patterns. We do this by offering financial support and/or by refusing to set boundaries to protect our own wellbeing.
Because enablers are such nice people, it can be hard to convince them to stop enabling. In fact, the niceness can quickly become vicious when threatened. How dare you say that I’m part of the problem? I bend over backwards to help! That’s what makes me a good person! That’s what love is!
No one can define love for you. But ask yourself this: is your definition of love leading you to feel tired, resentful, and anxious often? Is the person you’re loving making any positive changes in their life? How would you feel if the person you love didn’t need you any more?
Let’s look at some of the unsettling reasons why we enable:
- To earn some kind of reward (a sense of self-worth, the admiration of others, the devotion of the person you’re helping, etc.)
- To have a good reason to be angry all the time (and to feel self-righteous when you suppress that anger and help anyway)
- To avoid looking at your own problems (because both addiction and enabling are ways of avoiding yourself)
If you struggle with enabling behavior, it can help to be reminded how enabling hurts the person you’re trying to help:
- It keeps them where they’re at; it doesn’t give them the opportunity for growth and change
- It creates an unequal relationship, where they are inferior to you because they are dependent on you (this is especially damaging to a marriage)
- It negates their belief that they can take care of themselves, which leads to low self-esteem
How do you stop enabling?
- Detach emotionally. In other words, retract your worry. Love them, but love them from an emotional distance. Get help doing this if you’re stuck in a codependent pattern.
- Ask “What do I need?” instead of “What do they need?” Following your own needs will usually end up being the less selfish choice (it will motivate them to pick up their own slack, and it will protect them from your resentment)
- Set clear boundaries and stick to them
If you want to stop enabling but know that you’re easily swayed and steamrolled, ask for help. Find a way to say “no” that feels safe to you. Say “no” in writing instead of in person. Or enlist a therapist or friend to help facilitate a tough conversation.
Will your detachment fix the addicted person? No. They will still need to fix themselves, and the hard truth is that some of them may never be able to do that. So don’t use detachment as another attempt to fix or change someone. That’s not true detachment–that’s manipulation.
Instead, look at detachment as a gift you can give yourself–the gift of space for a long, loving look at your own life and what you need for your personal development. Look at it as an opportunity to find peace and freedom in the midst of chaos.
Next time, we’ll look at how to be helpful without compromising yourself.