If You’re Feeling Guilty, Will You Please Stand Up?

Try This: Ask for help with something you normally do yourself.

“Chronic remorse…is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”
~Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Some of us have committed actual crimes; some of us have hurt people we love; some of us get through life by cheating and manipulating; some of us rarely do anything “wrong” but still feel a sense of underlying guilt about who we are and how we live our lives. Whenever we take time for self-reflection, whether it’s through a process of addiction treatment, recovery from a mental illness, or the result of a bad day, guilt can become a force in our lives that makes it hard to move forward.

When should we feel guilt? And what should we do about it?

First, let’s distinguish between which behaviors warrant guilt and which do not. Why? Because there’s a difference between guilt as a response to wrongdoing and guilt as a chronic state of being due to codependence or other forms of unhappiness.

When Guilt Is Appropriate

You’ve committed a crime (theft, murder, rape, etc.)
You’ve lied to someone, with selfish intent
You’ve damaged someone’s property
You’ve consciously manipulated or gaslighted someone
You’ve cheated to give yourself an advantage
You’ve abused someone, physically or verbally
You’ve broken a promise

If you’ve done any of the above, should you make up for it by “rolling in the muck” of your guilt forevermore? No. If you’ve wronged someone, do the following:

Apologize
Fix the damage, as much as is possible
Humbly accept the consequences
Make a focused effort to behave better in the future

When Guilt is Inappropriate

You’re not the person someone wants you to be
You don’t love someone enough
You don’t live up to others’ expectations
You feel anger or hatred toward someone
You said “no” to something you didn’t want to do
You weren’t generous with your time, money, or love
Your choice to take care of yourself hurt someone’s feelings
You’re not taking great care of yourself
You’re not working harder
You’re unhappy

While many of the above situations may indicate a problem to work through, they do not warrant your guilt. Having chronic guilt about who you are will not motivate you to change. Instead, consider the following responses to “inappropriate” guilt:

Talk with a therapist if you’re feeling guilty about your bad feelings toward yourself or someone else. Investigate the ways your behavior might be codependent.
Remember that, beyond a reasonable line, you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. If you hurt someone intentionally, that’s one thing. But if your actions or words offend or hurt someone when you did not intend hurt or offense, it’s not your job to “fix” their feelings. Be kind, but let them work through their own reactions.
Are these bad feelings toward others coming up because you aren’t being honest in your relationship with them? Do you need to set a boundary you’ve been afraid to set?
If you’re feeling guilty about not taking better care of yourself, try to shift the feeling from guilt to love. How might your behavior change if you treated yourself like a good friend you care about?

If the unwarranted guilt persists, you might try writing a few affirmations/reminders for yourself to read over when you’re feeling especially tortured. Some examples:

I am responsible for my own wellbeing. Other people are responsible for their own wellbeing. We are all responsible for treating each other kindly.
Being kind does not mean saying “yes” to everything and everyone. Being kind means saying “no” without being sarcastic or defensive or hurtful.
I do not have to like everyone. I do not expect to be liked by everyone. I can be kind regardless of how I feel about someone.
Expressing anger, calmly and clearly, is a healthy practice for me and for my relationships.
Asking for what I need is a healthy practice for me and for my relationships.
Protecting my time and wellbeing will give me the energy and desire to be helpful to others.

Surely there is much more to be said about guilt: what it is, what warrants it, and how to manage it. But this is a start, and maybe a launching point for discussion with your therapist, mentor, friends, and family members. Bottom line: deal with the guilt that needs to be dealt with. Don’t let it derail your life.

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