Cape Fear vs. Cape Thank You

Try This: Do something by yourself that you normally ask for help with.

“There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear.” ~I John 4:18a, Good News Translation
“If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough.” ~ Meister Eckhart

If you’ve been feeling extra fearful lately, or if your daily life is generally ruled by fear and anxiety, it can be hard to know how to stop being afraid. Perhaps the biggest fear for people who are in addiction or mental health recovery is the fear of relapse. If you’re getting older or experiencing illness or loss of a loved one, perhaps your current biggest fear is death.

Death and relapse are pretty big fears. But other fears can plague you as well. Maybe you have a habit of waking up at 3 a.m. and becoming consumed with torment about the past or the future. Maybe you suffer from nightmares or night terrors. Maybe you fear dementia or insanity. Maybe you fear change. Maybe you fear rejection, abuse, abandonment, poverty. Maybe your biggest fear is other people.

Or maybe you have a running fear of everything: that you’re not doing the right thing or doing it the right way or that you won’t find a parking space or that your protein drink the carton says to “shake well” will come unshaken before you’ve finished drinking it.

Fear is fear. And if you are fear-prone, it can be demoralizing to try and fail over and over to stop being afraid. You start to be afraid of your fear. Might as well just give up and hide under a bushel, right?

Many interventions can help with fear: different kinds of therapy, repeated exposure to the thing you fear, affirmations, prayer, medication, etc. These are all fine things. But in this post we’ll focus on one small, easy, free thing you can do when you’re feeling afraid: say thank you.

If perfect love casts out fear, inject some love into your fearful moments by thinking of something you’re thankful for.

Here are some ideas:

If you’re worried about something work-related (meeting a deadline, being late, ornery coworkers) take a moment to feel grateful for what you like about your job.

If you’re anxious about a relationship that has gone off track, do your best to feel thankfulness for that person. What do you love about them? How were they good for you at a particular time in your life? What did they teach you?

If you’re afraid of losing your fitness level and good looks to the aging process, try to feel thankful for all your body has given you over the years. How it has healed itself, how it has functioned well despite hard use, where it has allowed you to go, what it has taught you.

If you’re fearful about most things, be proactive in finding little moments to love. As Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” Go for a walk. Kiss the earth with your feet. Look at a tree or a bird and send it a little wave of love.

If you’re in a very, very deep fear vortex, think of someone or something you love unreservedly. This could be a person, a pet, a place in nature, a piece of art–anything for which you feel complete and total love.

Gratitude works best when it’s more than just a verbal or nonverbal “thank you.” Instead, do your best to feel the gratitude and the joy in your body. Use your imagination to summon up the full-bodied joy of being grateful for a person or thing in your life.

What does gratitude feel like? For some, it feels like a swelling of the chest, the heart expanding. It might feel like lightness, buoyancy. It might feel like a great wave of peace and calm. It might feel like sparks of light shooting up in your head. Learn what it feels like for you, and aim to feel that way when you’re practicing gratitude.

Some notes of caution:

Don’t let all of this gratitude stuff lead you to a place of guilt. The point is not to berate yourself for not being more grateful. It’s not an attitude of “be grateful you can walk because some people can’t” or “stop moaning about your first-world problems.”

Don’t think of gratitude as one more thing to have to do. Think of it as a potential way to find relief when you’re stuck in a moment (or hour or day) or fear. Think of it as a way to love yourself.

Don’t use gratitude as a way to avoid dealing with a problem that needs to be dealt with. Think of it as a way to learn how to be okay with whatever situation you’re facing–to not be afraid of pain or conflict or crisis, but to recognize that every experience comes to your life to help you grow. In that way, you can learn to be grateful for everything, “good” or “bad.”

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