Unloading the Boatloads of Shame

Try This: Try this: Get a library card. They’re free. Browse the stacks. Choose a book that appeals to you.

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. ~ Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

The title phrase, “boatloads of shame,” is taken from lyrics to the Avett Brothers song, “Shame.”

Shame, boatloads of shame, day after day, more of the same, they sing (in a wonderful two-part harmony, if you’re interested).

A recent blog post was about guilt. This week’s post is about guilt’s gaunt and hollow-eyed twin: shame. We’ll focus on the particular shame that clings like residue after you emerge from a mental health and/or substance use disorder. People who survive a relapse of addiction or mental illness, or even a sustained physical illness, can come out of it feeling ashamed of all their illness has cost their loved ones.

This shame, if not addressed, can sabotage recovery. How? Carl Jung calls shame a “soul-eating emotion.” Brene Brown writes, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

If you are trying to shame yourself into not relapsing or getting sick again, stop. It won’t work. In fact, it will have the opposite effect. It will take away any confidence or faith you have that you can do the work required to stay healthy.

While guilt can sometimes be useful, in reminding us when an apology is in order, shame is never helpful. Shame doesn’t uplift, motivate, or encourage. Shame is corrosive and never, ever necessary. Guilt (appropriate guilt) is about what you’ve done. Shame is about you who are.

Who are you? Some would say you’re a child of God. Those who don’t believe in God might say you’re a manifestation of the universe, a way for the universe to know itself. Either way, the underlying truth is that you are a light in this world. That is the truth of you are at your essence.

Yes, it’s easy to forget that. It’s easy to feel like you’ve ruined everything and will continue to ruin everything. And yes, people often behave in ways that seem in direct opposition to their true nature. But that doesn’t take away from the truth of our wholeness. It just means we have to clean up some of the muck in order to let our light shine.

So if you’re feeling ashamed of who you are, what can you do to unload that shame and live your truth?

Work with a therapist (yeah yeah, we say this all the time, but only because therapy is such a powerful, targeted, and in-depth way to address the gunk)
Share your story with people you trust. Shame loves to keep you quiet. Telling your story dissolves the power shame has over you. You’ll see that you’re not alone, and that your courage to share gives others the courage to let go of shame too.
Be very picky about with whom you spend your time. The people in your life who seem bent on triggering your shame are people to avoid or keep to a very surface level of friendship. Focus instead on the people you love and who love you.
Engage in some kind of creative outlet: write, make music, dance, paint. Take a class if that helps you get started. (Note that attempting to be creative can bring shame front and center. Many artists speak of the shame-hurdle they have to overcome when they do their work. Instead of letting shame stop you, make it part of your creative expression.)

You might also make a habit of writing love letters to yourself. If you’re not comfortable writing letters, write or find affirmations to repeat to yourself every day, short sentences that express your true worth. If you’re rolling your eyes at a sentence like, “I am a light in this world,” then don’t use it. Maybe you need something more practical, like, “I am a good listener” or “I make really good pancakes” or “I will be a good friend to myself today.”

Don’t go overboard with affirmations. Pick one, use it until it feels true, then try a different one. Gradually, you’ll release all of those boatloads of shame until it’s just you in an empty boat, rowing gently down the stream.

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