Me & My Shadow

Try This: Read 5 pages of a book you’ve been wanting to read but haven’t started yet.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.” ~Carl Jung

“What if, deep within, you had a never-ending reservoir of wrongness? Like, what if deep down inside, everything about you was totally detestable, dangerous, a source of pain to yourself and other people? And what if that was absolutely great?” ~Carolyn Elliot

I’m willing to bet no one has ever counseled you to revel in the pain of your addiction or mental health disorder–to feel all of that awfulness and to take pleasure in it. But that’s exactly what the late Carolyn Elliot does in her book Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power

Elliot had her share of suffering in life: molestation as a child, abusive relationships as an adult, heroin addiction, poverty. A realization in her twenties, sitting in a 12-step meeting, led her to see that all of her suffering was, in some crazily perverse way, fulfilling the desires of her unconscious (or shadow) self. All of her perceived “failures” in life were actually great successes for her shadow self. And allowing herself to not only accept but take pleasure in these “failures” was the key to moving beyond them to something new.

So…how can this possibly make any kind of sense?

In the simplest sense, the human mind is split into two parts: the conscious and the unconscious. The conscious mind is made up of what you think, experience, remember, and feel day to day. It’s your sense of self. The unconscious mind is made up of feelings, memories, and experiences that you are unaware of but that can still affect your behavior. The conscious mind is the tip of the iceberg, the part that sticks up above the water. The unconscious mind is the much bigger bulk of the iceberg that sits under the surface of the water.

Because the unconscious mind is so vast, most of what happens in our lives is determined by those unconscious or “shadowed” desires and impulses. The goal of Jungian psychotherapy is to make the unconscious conscious so that we can have more power over our lives–instead of feeling tossed around by “Fate.”

The problem is that we have been taught (by our culture and religions) that the desires of our shadow selves are “bad.” We have a light side (good) and a dark side (bad). “Good” = socially acceptable, bright, abundant; “bad” = dark, primal, embarrassing, dangerous.

The work that Elliot and Jung want us to do is integrate good and bad to restore ourselves to wholeness. Why? Because when we work really hard to avoid or repress the “awful” parts of ourselves, we’re led into addiction and/or mental illness.

Here’s another quote from the book: “[…] if there’s a situation or a feeling that’s present in your life, no matter how awful it is, it’s present with you not because it’s ‘true’ or ‘real’ but because some part of the vast, strange, kinky Self that you are finds it fascinating, compelling, beautiful.”

So next time something “bad” is happening to you or you’re feeling “bad” about yourself in some way, see what happens if you lean into that. What if you tell yourself, “Some part of me wants this terrible feeling, this awful experience, and so I’m going to try to identify with the part of myself that is feeling really satisfied right now because I’m having this feeling, this experience.”

If this theory of the unconscious intrigues you, start small. Here are some ideas:

You’re late to a meeting or gathering, and you feel a mixture of anxiety and guilt about it. Let those feelings out to play for a few minutes. Notice how the feelings affect your body (faster heart rate, flushed skin, perspiration, etc.). Be curious, and be willing to let these “dark” feelings shine.
Someone says or does something that makes you angry. Instead of reacting outwardly or feeling guilty about the anger, take a few moments to “enjoy” the feeling. Again, notice how it affects your body. Give your shadow self permission to play in the big tornado of the anger.
A friend acquires something–a new car, a new love life, a new job–and you feel immediate and powerful envy. Instead of telling yourself what a bad person you are for feeling so envious, take a few moments and revel in that envy. What does it feel like in your body? Allow the envy to snarl and claw and skulk.

As you become used to allowing your “shadow” self to feel what it feels without judging it, you’ll be able to tackle some of the bigger, scarier feelings that you’ve kept hidden.

If Elliot is correct, it’s this kind of “shadow work” that will help you get unstuck. It will help you break up the old patterns that keep bringing difficult things into your life. Why? Because you’re finally giving your unconscious what it has always wanted: loving, nonjudgmental acknowledgment and permission to enjoy the challenges.

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