Try This: Go to a favorite restaurant and order something you’ve never eaten there before.
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A Buddhist story tells of a warrior who asks a revered wise man what hell is. The wise man insults him, saying something like, “Why should I give such a loser that information?” The warrior is enraged and moves to kill the wise man. Then the wise man says, “That’s hell.” The warrior realizes that his reaction–his anger, his hate, his self-protection–created hell.
Religious versions of heaven or hell have to do with where we go after we die, which is often determined by the choices we’ve made in life. Hell is depicted as eternal torment, Heaven as eternal bliss.
But no one knows for sure what happens after death, and in the meantime we’re stuck here on Earth, where we can experience torment or bliss on a daily basis. Our experience of ‘heaven’ or ‘hell’ is determined, as John Milton said, by our mind. And since humans as a species tend to focus on the negative, most of us experience hell more often than heaven.
We create hell for ourselves in small moments every day. Whether we’re overcome with rage at a slow driver, anxiety about an upcoming event, resentment about extra work we find ourselves doing, strong cravings for alcohol or drugs…we’re putting ourselves in a sort of living hell. Peace and serenity seem unreachable.
As Winston Churchill was reported to say, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” In other words, don’t linger in the bad place. How do we trap ourselves in hell? By believing the thoughts that the mind spews out when we’re angry or fearful. Thoughts like, “I can’t believe people are so stupid!” or “I’m going to get in trouble for being late!” or “All of this stress will kill me!”
This is what the mind does when left to its own devices. It feeds the emotions we’re feeling, fanning them into bigger and hotter flames. Where do we find lots of flames? In hell!
When you convince yourself that your emotions are Truth, or that you are right when everyone else is wrong, you get stuck in the bad place, swimming in your reactions rather than moving up into a place of perspective. Yes: the whole world might be wrong, and you might be right. But who is experiencing hell, you or the world? You are. The world couldn’t care less.
So how can you pull yourself out of the hellscape? Should you just repress your emotions, grit your teeth, and move on? No, because that will lead to another kind of hell: the kind where you’re eroding your teeth and getting stomach cramps.
How do you escape hell while also honoring your emotional self?
It depends on how strong your emotional reaction is and what has triggered it. For not-so-serious situations, consider two possible escape methods:
- Distraction. For example, if you’re feeling impatient with (or enraged at) other drivers, turn on the radio and sing. Or play the alphabet game, looking for the letters of the alphabet on signs you see as you’re driving. It can take a big effort to be willing to distract yourself from your anger, but once you make the switch, the feeling can dissipate quickly.
- Ask yourself, “Which is worse?” For example, if you’re anxious about being late, ask yourself: “Which is worse? The anxiety about being late, or actually being late?” More often than not, you’ll realize that the consequence of your anxiety is easier to bear than the anxiety itself.
But for times when emotions are big and the hell-flames seem impenetrable, a more tactical approach might be required. You can try the following method, making adjustments as needed.
First, pause. Look around your internal landscape. Notice the feelings. Notice how they’re affecting your body. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.
Then, notice the thoughts that want to attach themselves to the feelings. What stories are your thoughts telling you about what you’re feeling? What doom are they forecasting? Recognize that these are just thoughts. Notice them briefly, then focus on something else, like your breath. Repeat as needed.
Once you get the hang of noticing when you’re in hell, you’ll realize that you never need to be there. Even if you’re up against a deadline, even if people around you are treating you poorly, even if you might disappoint someone, even if the cravings for substances are strong…you do not need to respond to these things with tension. Let your mind ease its grip. Let your shoulders sink back down.
Yes, the things that bother you may need to be dealt with. You might need to stay more focused, set boundaries, express your feelings, talk with a sponsor, etc. But you can do these things without the mental tension, the anxiety, the “spinning out.” When you live free, you release yourself as often as necessary from the hells you have created.