Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

Try This: Compliment a stranger today. Then compliment yourself for doing such a nice thing.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” ~ Carl Jung
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~ Carl Rogers

When Snow White’s stepmother looked into the magic mirror and asked it to show her the “fairest one of all,” she was fully expecting to see herself in the reflection. When she saw her stepdaughter’s image instead, her pain turned into rage, and thus began her hunt to kill Snow White. Clearly, her real self was not living up to her vision of her ideal self.

As the quotes above suggest, accepting who we are right now is both immensely challenging and also the key to change. Carl Rogers talked about identity in terms of our “real” self (who we are) and our “ideal” self (who we want to be). We are HERE. We want to be THERE. When the real self and ideal self are miles away from each other, the anxiety, pain, and confusion that arise can lead to great suffering.

If you’re going through addiction or mental health recovery, you might feel as if you’re working to become a version of yourself that is “better.” You’re so exhausted by the self you’ve been living in, yet you might feel like it’s impossible to become the self you feel you “should” be–the self that is healthy, happy, and organized, the self that makes wise decisions and stays calm in the face of chaos.

There’s nothing wrong with having goals for self-improvement. But it’s important to be really, really aware of where those goals come from and whether they are truly in your best interest.

Problems with having a vision of an ideal self arise when:

Our ideal self is very, very different than our actual self.

When that gap between selves is large, it can lead to all kinds of problems. Some people may lie and cheat to convince others and themselves that they are happier, smarter, or more powerful than they really are. Others may feel so overwhelmed by the gap that they give up on change before they’ve even started. The sense of hopelessness that can rise might lead to worsening symptoms of anxiety and depression. Substances may become a way to cope with the sense of failure.

Our ideal self is based on external expectations.

These expectations can come from a variety of sources. The adults you interacted with as a child may have had expectations of you that felt impossible to live up to. Maybe you felt as if you had to earn their love and approval and that nothing you did could guarantee that love. As adults, external pressures can come from marketing, being constantly exposed to images and ideas of how we should look and feel. When your idea of your best self is made up of these external expectations, the scramble for achievement and approval never ends. You will always be relying on other people for validation that you’re “doing life right.”

We long for the ideal so much that we hate who we are right now.

Sometimes, the ideal self becomes a fantasy, and the more we fuel this fantasy of who we should be, the more we feel dissatisfied with who we are right now.

Carl Rogers introduced the concept of congruence: what happens when the ideal and real selves line up fairly well, and when our actions and words reflect our real self. Another word for congruence is genuineness. We all know people who make an impression of being genuine. These people act and speak in a way that makes it easy to trust that they are not trying to hide anything. They seem comfortable with who they are.

So how do you begin to bring your real and ideal self closer together, into a congruence that makes it easier to be in the world because you’re not pretending to be something you’re not?

Science Insights explains congruence as having two levels:

“…the alignment between your moment-to-moment experience (what you actually feel, sense, and think) and your conscious awareness of it.” Many of us aren’t aware of difficult feelings because we suppress them.
“…the alignment between that awareness and what you communicate to others.”

When we are in full alignment/congruence, we are fully aware of what we feel and we are able to communicate those feelings in a clear and honest way. That’s a pretty simple concept. What it suggests is that you don’t have to try to create or become an ideal self. The path to the ideal is through the real. When you fully accept who you are right now, you won’t try to hide that self from others.

The benefits of not trying to hide or pretend all the time?

Lower stress levels, which leads to…
Greater energy to make changes you want to make
The ability to set goals that are realistic and achievable (because you’re honest with yourself about your capabilities)
More willingness to ask for help

Your journey in recovery is a journey toward congruence. You’ve taken the first step of seeing yourself for who you are–someone who is struggling and needs help. You’ve taken the next step of getting that help. And now you’re ready to continue the journey, staying honest about who you are and what you need. You’re more able to celebrate your strengths, have compassion for your weaknesses, and have the courage to show your real self to the world. The closer you come to living in congruence with your whole, complicated self, the closer you come to living free.

One Response

temp email says:
October 22, 2026 at 3:05 pm
This post helped me connect a few ideas that had seemed unrelated before. The advice gives me a useful place to start experimenting on my own.
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