I’m So Angry I Could…Process It

Try This: Play a board game or a card game (not solitaire), in person, with an actual board or actual cards. While the game is being played, silence your phone.

“ “To ask, ‘Is my anger legitimate?’ is similar to asking, ‘Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what’s the point of getting thirsty when I can’t get anything to drink now, anyway?’” ~ Dr. Harriet Lerner, from The Dance of Anger

In The Dance of Anger, Dr. Lerner writes that the feeling of anger “signals the necessity for change.” Anger arises when something is “off” in our environment or in our relationships, and it “always deserves our respect and attention.”

When you’re in addiction recovery, acknowledging and accepting your emotions is a crucial part of the journey. Anger can be a tricky emotion to grapple with. How you handle anger can affect your ability to hold down a job and to have intimate relationships. It can also affect your physical health.

So why would anyone want to express anger? Wouldn’t it be better to ignore it, play it down, or funnel it into some activity, like team sports or target shooting?

Ignoring anger is like putting a plug in your internal drain. It stops the natural flow of energy, and eventually the build-up will turn scummy and foul.    

Let’s say that you’re going about your day and suddenly something makes you angry: someone cuts you off in traffic, your friend says something hurtful, or your boss adds extra work to your schedule. Or maybe you’re angry because it seems like other people can get away with things that you can’t (like drinking or using drugs, for example).  

What do you do with that anger? 

1. If possible, pause and focus on how anger feels. How does it affect your body? What does it feel like, just as a form of energy? Ride the wave of the anger until it recedes enough that you can access your thinking brain. Go for a fast walk if you need to use up excess energy.
2. When you’re feeling calmer, ask yourself: “What is at the root of this anger?” Usually, the cause of anger is one of three things: 
   1. Grief (from loss, loneliness, rejection)
   2. Fear (feeling unsafe)
   3. Feeling powerless (not feeling like you have the freedom other people do, or like you have to follow rules that other people don’t). 
3. Once you have a good idea of where your anger is coming from, decide what action it is asking you to take. It might want you to:
   1. Initiate a conversation, which may include expressing how you feel 
   2. Set a boundary
   3. Make a change 

Enlist a therapist or trusted mentor to help you process the anger if you’re having a hard time doing it yourself. 

If your anger is directed at another person, here’s what NOT to do: 

• Question your emotion and try to talk yourself out of it
• Try to convince the other person that your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are right
• Write off the other person and settle for a loss of connection and closeness
• Vent with someone about how angry you are 
• Blame the other person for causing your problems

In short, your anger will not change the other person, and they are not the true cause of your anger. As discussed in the posts about codependence and enabling, everyone has a right to their own emotions, thoughts, and actions. Sometimes our emotions, thoughts, and actions clash, sparking anger.  

But even if someone’s behavior triggers your anger, your anger is about you. It’s coming up because you need something that you’re not getting. You might not be aware of what you need until you don’t get it. In this way, anger can help you develop a stronger sense of self. 

When you have a strong sense of self, you:  

• Know what you need
• Don’t feel shame or guilt about what you need
• Are able to clearly state what you need
• Are willing to take responsibility for meeting your needs
• Don’t depend on another person for your sense of worth or to solve your problems

A strong sense of self makes it easier to recognize when someone is trying to control or hurt us, when they’re not holding up their share of the relationship, or when they’re unintentionally doing things that compromise our wellbeing. 

Then, you can clearly, firmly, and kindly express what you need and how you feel. Does this mean that the other person is obligated to give you what you ask for? 

Nope!

But rather than be angry by someone’s insufficient response, you can take steps to provide for your own needs. Next time, we’ll look at what to do when anger is directed at you. A strong sense of self will support you in that situation, too.