Angry With Me? Tell Me About It

Try This: Find a picture of yourself from middle school, and tape it to a piece of paper. On the paper, write love notes to yourself at that age. Sing that kid’s praises.

“ “Most of us aren’t afraid of other people’s anger; we’re afraid of their aggression.” ~Nick Wignall, clinical psychologist “…most angry outbursts come from a desire to feel heard, understood, or safe.  ~from “Defusing an Angry Person: Real Strategies That Work”

As someone in recovery, you probably have people in your life who are or have been angry with you. This anger might be old, related to your substance-influenced behaviors, or it might be new, stemming from worry that you’ll relapse. It’s likely both.

Whether their anger is “justified” isn’t the question. Sometimes your loved ones will be hesitant to express anger because they worry it will knock you off the recovery track. They likely struggle with codependence, meaning they don’t know how to separate their own emotional needs from yours. While they are responsible for addressing their codependence, it is your responsibility to not be afraid of their anger or discourage them from expressing it. 

When your loved one is angry with you, you can do several things:

1. Tell them you can see their anger and that it’s okay for them to be angry. 
2. Ask questions to help them clarify what they’re angry about. 
3. Encourage them to be honest.
4. Listen to them. 
5. Ask what you can do to help resolve the problem. 
6. Be honest about whether you’ll be able to provide what they’re asking for without compromising your own wellbeing. This may take several conversations over time.

Sounds so easy and calm, right? Remember this: Difficult conversations are one thing. Aggressive displays of anger are another. You DO need to allow people to be angry with you; you do NOT need to let yourself be a victim of someone’s aggression.

What does aggression look like? It’s not just physical (throwing, breaking, or punching things; striking out at a person). It’s also verbal. Insults, sarcasm, yelling or screaming–these are all forms of aggression. Another form of aggression? The silent treatment. If your loved one is refusing to talk to you or be near you, that can feel just as unfair and hurtful as an insult or a slap in the face. 

If your friend or loved one is being aggressive in their anger, you don’t have to “take it.” Leave the room or the house if they cannot calm down. Then, at a time when you are both calm, you can outline your rules for arguments. 

[Please note: If someone is posing a physical danger to you, call 911. If they have a pattern of violence in the relationship, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.]

Even if both parties remain relatively in control, deep-seated anger can take many conversations to work through. It may even require working with a therapist who can act as an intermediary. 

Some more thoughts about handling a loved one’s anger…

• Be trustworthy. If your loved one is angry that you’re not doing your share of the housework, do the work consistently, without having to be reminded. 

• Be consistent in showing that you’re open to talking and that you won’t get defensive. (If you do get defensive or aggressive, apologize. Ask if you can try again.)

• Don’t give up your own wellbeing to “solve” someone’s anger. For example, if your loved one is angry because all of your recovery work means you can’t spend as much time with them, you might not be able to give them what they want without compromising your health.  

When someone’s anger at you is too much… 

As someone in recovery, you might feel like you’re the “worst” person in your family and that therefore you need to cater to everyone’s needs to make up for your past behavior. You might feel like you deserve the anger that is directed at you. 

Remember that addiction is a family disease. You may have expressed your family’s dysfunction in substance use, but it’s highly likely your other family members have an equal amount of dysfunction expressed in other unhealthy ways.   

Again, developing a sense of self is crucial in knowing how to manage your own and others’ anger. In recovery, you’re beginning the journey of loving and respecting yourself. You are learning to let go of any shame you feel about who you are and what you’ve done. 

If someone’s anger with you is becoming toxic, and they’re unable or unwilling to work through it in a mature way, you don’t have to put up with it. You can set the boundaries you need with that person to keep them at an emotional (and possibly physical) distance.